Where are all the jokes?

Relax and chat about anything not covered elsewhere.
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wearthefoxhat
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I recently found out I was adopted as a child by a man called Daz…

He’s my non-biological father.
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wearthefoxhat
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I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave, they reduced meowers...
sniffer66
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Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

wearthefoxhat wrote:
Sat Sep 17, 2022 9:19 am
I used to work at a cats home, but I had to leave, they reduced meowers...
I really didn't want to but that made me laugh :)

Storing that one in my dad joke vault
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Derek27
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Location: UK

The queen is a constant. Does anyone know what it equals?
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Derek27
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New neighbour just knocked on my door to introduce himself. What a practical joker. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Kai
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Location: Hogwarts, UK

Someone knocked over my wheelie bin this morning :x I went to ask the new neighbour about it but he has already moved out!!! :x
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jimibt
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Location: South West Scotland

Kai wrote:
Tue Sep 20, 2022 1:02 pm
Someone knocked over my wheelie bin this morning :x I went to ask the new neighbour about it but he has already moved out!!! :x
i actually lol'd proper on both the joke and the change of profile pic -lolzzz
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Derek27
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Kai wrote:
Tue Sep 20, 2022 1:02 pm
Someone knocked over my wheelie bin this morning :x I went to ask the new neighbour about it but he has already moved out!!! :x
I gave him a full bottle of washing-up liquid. I bet he's got his tea, coffee and sugar from the other neighbours!
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Derek27
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The chancellor has cost the economy £2B for every minute he was on his feet. He should have sat down!
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Dublin_Flyer
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The guy who invented throat lozenges died this week. There was no coffin at his funeral.
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wearthefoxhat
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Derek27
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Despite the weak pound, Kwarteng's going to make importing goods easier by parting the sea at the Straits of Dover. :)
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Derek27
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I've just heard the term Kwasikaze budget being thrown about. :D
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Derek27
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Location: UK

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about £9000. £4000 for materials, £4000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me."

The Polish contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for £7000. £3000 for materials, £3000 for my crew, and £1000 profit for me."

The Tory party donor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Tory Party official and whispers, "£27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Tory Donor whispers back, "£10,000 for me, £10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Poland to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the Tory party official.
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jimibt
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Location: South West Scotland

Been learning how to guess the weight of dogs - picked up a few pointers yesterday.
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