Where are all the jokes?

[paspuggie48]

I have a serious medical condition where I can’t stop telling airport jokes...

...my doctor says it’s terminal !

[ANGELS15]

A man accompanies his wife to the doctor's surgery as she had been feeling feverish and very drowsy. When they get there the doctor calls the wife in while the husband sat outside. After about 15 minutes the husband was getting concerned so he opened the door and saw his wife bent over a table and the doctor with his trousers down right behind her. He yelled out 'what are you doing?'. 'I'm taking your wife's temperature, but it's not an oral thermometer' the doctor coolly said. The man rubbed his head in confusion and said 'alright but when you pull that thing out it had better have numbers on it!'.

[Trader Pat]

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

[paspuggie48]

Someone stole the “F” from the local Funfair sign...

...now, that is just unfair !!!

[wearthefoxhat]

I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

[paspuggie48]

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey," she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for... an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

[paspuggie48]

Do not regret past mistakes.

All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison….!

[wearthefoxhat]

I took my kids to the zoo last week. I hope they've settled in by now.

[paspuggie48]

Did you know that if male sheep and llamas are put in the same field they fight?

You end up with a ram-a-llama-ding-dong!

[Galilee66]

One for the classicists on the Forum.

A man takes a pair of trousers into an Athens tailor's shop and asks "Eumenides?" "Yes," replies the tailor "Euripides?"

Galilee66

[Euler]

For the new season, we need to put some football jokes in our Arsenal.

Think my friend’s new girlfriend is a keeper. Which is handy as our one just left to join another team.

[Trader Pat]

Three football fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;

Fan #1: "I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we'd be a great club."

Fan #2: "I blame the players; if they made more effort, I'm sure we would score more goals."

Fan#3: "I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I'd be supporting a decent team."

[ANGELS15]

A newly married man on honeymoon wanders into the hotel lounge. He spots a couple of other guys in the lounge and introduces himself to them. They quickly discovers that they are all newly weds. One of them says 'I've got an idea when our wives come down we'll all sit together at breakfast and during the conversation say something romantic to them'.

Later during breakfast the first guy says 'pass the sugar, sugar', his wife smiles and does so. The second guy says 'pass the honey, honey' his wife blushes. The third guy says 'pass the bacon, pig'.

[paspuggie48]

A Southampton fan left 2 tickets on his car dashboard yesterday.

Someone smashed the window and broke into it, and left two more.

[paspuggie48]

Did you know that Mark Twain's nickname was Choo-Choo?

They called him Choo-Choo Twain.

( ok, that one was shit! )