Where are all the jokes?

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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1199
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says, "Hey, I'm sorry for beating you so badly. Would a blowjob make you feel better?"

Taken aback, the guy says, "Ummm, yes. You don't have to do that, but that would be great!" She took him to his car and gave him a fantastic blowjob. As she's getting out, she says, "Same time tomorrow."

The following day, this repeats. They meet in the clubhouse and hit 18 holes. She whips his ass again. Afterwards, she asks him if he wants another blowjob to make him feel better. He hesitates, and said, "Well, how about we go all the way this time?" She considers for a moment before finally saying, "No...I really want to, but that's not a good idea right now," and he dejectedly accepts another blowjob. After they finished, she once again said, "Same time tomorrow."

The third day rolls around and this repeats again. Afterwards, she asks if he wants a blowjob and he says, "No, let's go all the way! Blowjobs are great, but a man needs *more!*

The woman hesitates and finally says, "Okay, fine. Let's go back to your place."

They get to his house and can hardly keep their hands off each other. They're making out like crazy, she pulls his shirt and pants off, he pulls off her skirt and reaches down, completely tearing her panties away. He looks down and sees that she has a massive penis.

Pushing her away, a look of horror on his face, he screams at her, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

"I'm so sorry," she said, "This is why I didn't want to go all the way. I should have told you I am trans and still have all the male equipment, but..."

The man interrupted, still totally pissed off, "What? I don't care about that!!!"

Looking confused, the woman looks up at him and says through a mess of tears and smeared mascara, "Well what the fuck is your problem then?!"

"What's wrong?" he asks mockingly. "WHAT'S WRONG?!? I'll tell you what's wrong! You've been hitting from the ladies' tees *all week!*"
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1199
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
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LeTiss
Posts: 5124
Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 6:04 pm

Excellent work my old mate :lol:
Trader Pat
Posts: 2857
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 12:50 pm

Realrocknrolla wrote:
Thu Oct 14, 2021 3:32 pm
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
:lol: :lol:
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wearthefoxhat
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paspuggie48
Posts: 423
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

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paspuggie48
Posts: 423
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and hung up.

I hate cold calls !
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jimibt
Posts: 3168
Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:42 pm
Location: South West Scotland

When the cashier said, "strip down, facing me!!"

How was I to know she meant my debit card?
paspuggie48
Posts: 423
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

I just switched from eating Venison to eating Pheasant.

It’s a real game changer !
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wearthefoxhat
Posts: 2310
Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:55 am

One of my pals is an Archaeologist. He recently told me that his life is in ruins.
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