Where are all the jokes?

Relax and chat about anything not covered elsewhere.
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Derek27
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So many bad actors in the Middle East, I think the only solution is for the US to pay them to take acting lessons.
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Kai
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A gunshot was fired in a stadium yesterday : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ja8L9bnh50
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Derek27
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A guy's about to enter a pub when he's stopped by a nun. She says, "Don't go in there, alcohol is evil and will rot your brain".

The guy says to the nun, "Have you ever in your life drunk alcohol?"

"No, obviously not", replies the nun.

"Well how do you know what it does? I'll buy you a drink, try it, and if you don't like it, at least then you can speak about the effects of alcohol".

"Fair enough" she replied. "What do women drink?"

"Gin".

"Okay, I'll have a gin, but put it in a cup so nobody can see what it is".

So the guy goes up to the bar and asks the barman, "I'll have a pint of bitter and a shot of gin, but put the gin in a cup please".

The barman replies, "Don't tell me that bloody nun's back again?".
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Derek27
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Location: UK

A priest is moved to a small village he's unfamiliar with. At his first confession, a woman goes into the confession box and confesses, "I went to a party over the weekend, we all had a lot to drink and at the end of the night I tripped up".

"That's understandable" said the priest. "Especially if you've been drinking. Just one Hail Mary".

The next woman comes in and says, my neighbour invited me round for a meal while my husband was at a work do, and I tripped up.

"Don't worry" said the priest. Just say a Hail Mary.

A third woman comes in and says, "I tripped up three times last week while my husband was away visiting his mother".

By now, the priest was scratching his head, wondering why women were so concerned about tripping up, but concerned that somebody might get injured, he decided to visit the local builder.

"Are you the man responsible for the maintenance of the pavements in this village?".

"Yes Father, I am", he replied.

"You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself, with the number of women tripping up in this village".

"You don't understand Father", he said to the priest. "It's just a figure of speech in this village".

"A figure of speech? Is that all it is?", the priest replied. "Wasn't it your own wife that tripped up three times the other week?"
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Derek27
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Prince Harry flying over to the UK ... to gather information for his next book!

William better be careful how he manages the situation. Harry could fall over and scratch his arse again. :lol:
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Derek27
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30p Lee is reported to have suggested coal is sustainable because it comes from trees and plants. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Derek27
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Derek27
Posts: 23217
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

Dentistry in the UK is worse than Rwanda and Ukraine. Perhaps Sunak should switch his flights to Rwanda for asylum seekers to people looking for dentists. :lol:
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Derek27
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The president of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington is called Noah Bookbinder. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Derek27
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Derek27 wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2023 12:14 pm
I was feeling suicidal over Christmas, so I phoned the Samaritans and they talked me out of it.

I'm flipping annoyed about it, I've sent a complaint to head office.
I forgot to say at the beginning, the following post contains references to suicide. :mrgreen:
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Derek27
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Piers Morgan: Invading the privacy of the royal family is utterly reprehensible, and on that I share Prince Harry's opinion. I just wish he'd stop doing it. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Derek27
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Men in dresses complaining they have to compete with men not wearing dresses in the parkrun.

My advice is, don't run in your dress, shorts are more aerodynamic, leaving you on level terms. :mrgreen:
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Derek27
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Andrew Baily is warning us about putting on too much weight!
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Derek27
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Starmer claims to have taken "decisive action", he just dithered for a few days before taking the decisive action. :lol:
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Derek27
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Russian ambassador to the UK, Andrey Kelin, says he doesn't know what the outcome will be in the upcoming Russian election. :lol: :lol:
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