Where are all the jokes?

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jimibt
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Joined: Mon Nov 30, 2015 6:42 pm
Location: Narnia

still find the old tommy cooper ones never age..

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

OR:

I was in a cemetery the other day and noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin; three hours later they were still walking about.
I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"! :lol:
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LeTiss
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Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 6:04 pm

Love TC. Haven't heard the gym gag for a few years. Superb :lol:
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Euler
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Location: Bet Angel HQ

Saw this reply to your thread, which made me laugh.

"I saw a man stealing my gate, I didn't say anything in case he took a fence".
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"
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Derek27
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

Realrocknrolla wrote:
Wed Oct 06, 2021 4:50 pm
4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"

"Is Dorothy around?"
:lol: :lol:

https://upjoke.com/bill-clinton-jokes
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Derek27
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

Sophie Raworth: In a speech peppered with jokes, the prime minister spoke of building a high wage economy, with high productivity and low taxes. :lol: :lol: :lol:
andy28
Posts: 343
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2021 12:06 am
Location: NZ

St Peter is sitting at the Pearly gate when the gate bell goes, he gets of his chair to greet the person, he opens the gate and they guy disappears. St Peter thinks that was strange and sits down again, a few seconds later the bell goes again he gets up opens the gate and its the same guy, just as St Peter goes to greet him he disappears again. St Peter is a little annoyed but sits down again. A few seconds later the bell goes again, This time St Peter thinks to himself he will grab the guy so he cant take off.

Sure enough it is the same guy, St Peter grabs him and says what the heck are you doing? If you don't stop I will send you to hell, the guy replies don't blame me blame the people doing CPR on me
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Derek27
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

Dominic Raab, Justice Secretary and deputy prime minister: Misogyny is absolutely wrong whether it's a man against a woman or a woman against a man. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Galilee66
Posts: 222
Joined: Thu Apr 16, 2009 5:07 am

Every woman over 18 in California was surveyed with the following question: Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?

7% said "No"

13% said "Yes"

80% said "Never again".
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

Apt for the moment, sorry Peter :lol:

After traveling to Moscow, the Russian Opposition leader thought he got bitten by a suspicious wasp.

Turns out it was a cagey bee.
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

LIFE HACK:

You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
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Euler
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Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:39 pm
Location: Bet Angel HQ

:lol:
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Euler
Posts: 24701
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:39 pm
Location: Bet Angel HQ

Just got back from the supermarket. Saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 Paellas and 3 Sombreros.

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day when I came to I popped to the doctor to make sure no lasting damage had been done. Doctor sees me and asks what’s happened because I’m absolutely ragged with a black eye and severe bruising so I tell him about the cockroach. Doctor then says ‘oh yeah you want to be careful mate. There’s a nasty bug going about’.
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

Realrocknrolla wrote:
Thu Oct 07, 2021 7:33 pm
I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day when I came to I popped to the doctor to make sure no lasting damage had been done. Doctor sees me and asks what’s happened because I’m absolutely ragged with a black eye and severe bruising so I tell him about the cockroach. Doctor then says ‘oh yeah you want to be careful mate. There’s a nasty bug going about’.
Bet he was one of those 24 hour bugs ! :lol: :) :D
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