Where are all the jokes?

[wearthefoxhat]

Tough times. I've just heard my local Origami business has folded.

[andy28]

Psychics AGM cancelled due to unforseen circumstances

[Derek27]

Three monkeys escape from a scientific research laboratory. After a day walking they decide to split up. The first monkey says "I'm having a night on the town". The second monkey says "I'm gonna find a woodland to live in". The third monkey says "I'm going back to the laboratory".

"What you're doing that for you idiot?", says the other two monkeys.

"I haven't had a fag all day".

[sniffer66]

I'm holding a charity ball on the 21st July for those in society who have difficulty achieving orgasm.

If you can't come, please let me know.

[ANGELS15]

I'm holding a charity ball on the 21st July for those in society who have difficulty achieving orgasm.

If you can't come, please let me know.

[jimibt]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

[wearthefoxhat]

I fell into a vat of invisible ink today. I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

[Galilee66]

Last night I was helping my grand kids with their maths homework - I managed the first half quite well but did badly on the other two thirds.

[weemac]

Me: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
Doc: I'm just a doctor - you need a psychiatrist; there's one just down the road.
Me: Yes, that's where I was heading, but your light was on.

(Tommy Cooper)

[ANGELS15]

The parts of the body held a meeting one day to decide which should be boss. The brain spoke first and said it should as it did all the thinking. The eyes said it should be boss as it did all the seeing. They argued for a while and then suddenly a little voice piped up at the back and said 'I should be boss'. They all looked in surprise as it was the arsehole who had spoken. They all laughed at the idea of the arsehole being boss. The arsehole was angry and clammed up. After a few days the brain grew foggy, the eyes misty, the guts were in turmoil and everyone pleaded with the brain to let the arsehole be boss. The motto you don't have to be brains to be boss just an arsehole.

[jamesg46]

The parts of the body held a meeting one day to decide which should be boss. The brain spoke first and said it should as it did all the thinking. The eyes said it should be boss as it did all the seeing. They argued for a while and then suddenly a little voice piped up at the back and said 'I should be boss'. They all looked in surprise as it was the arsehole who had spoken. They all laughed at the idea of the arsehole being boss. The arsehole was angry and clammed up. After a few days the brain grew foggy, the eyes misty, the guts were in turmoil and everyone pleaded with the brain to let the arsehole be boss. The motto you don't have to be brains to be boss just an arsehole.

[Derek27]

The parts of the body held a meeting one day to decide which should be boss. The brain spoke first and said it should as it did all the thinking. The eyes said it should be boss as it did all the seeing. They argued for a while and then suddenly a little voice piped up at the back and said 'I should be boss'. They all looked in surprise as it was the arsehole who had spoken. They all laughed at the idea of the arsehole being boss. The arsehole was angry and clammed up. After a few days the brain grew foggy, the eyes misty, the guts were in turmoil and everyone pleaded with the brain to let the arsehole be boss. The motto you don't have to be brains to be boss just an arsehole.

That's one to tell the boss on your first day at work.

[bennyboy351]

The parts of the body held a meeting one day to decide which should be boss. The brain spoke first and said it should as it did all the thinking. The eyes said it should be boss as it did all the seeing. They argued for a while and then suddenly a little voice piped up at the back and said 'I should be boss'. They all looked in surprise as it was the arsehole who had spoken. They all laughed at the idea of the arsehole being boss. The arsehole was angry and clammed up. After a few days the brain grew foggy, the eyes misty, the guts were in turmoil and everyone pleaded with the brain to let the arsehole be boss. The motto you don't have to be brains to be boss just an arsehole.

That's one to tell the boss on your first day at work.

And - quite probably - your LAST!

[ANGELS15]

The parts of the body held a meeting one day to decide which should be boss. The brain spoke first and said it should as it did all the thinking. The eyes said it should be boss as it did all the seeing. They argued for a while and then suddenly a little voice piped up at the back and said 'I should be boss'. They all looked in surprise as it was the arsehole who had spoken. They all laughed at the idea of the arsehole being boss. The arsehole was angry and clammed up. After a few days the brain grew foggy, the eyes misty, the guts were in turmoil and everyone pleaded with the brain to let the arsehole be boss. The motto you don't have to be brains to be boss just an arsehole.

That's one to tell the boss on your first day at work.

And - quite probably - your LAST!

I remember a story from the early days of the National Lottery. A couple of guys who worked together hated their boss/job. They bought regular lottery tickets and one day for some reason or another thought they had won. They were ecstatic.

They told the boss where to stick their jobs and resigned. To their horror they soon realised their mistake and that they had not won the lottery. They very sheepishly went back to their boss and apologised, luckily for them the boss had a good sense of humour and took them back.

[wearthefoxhat]

I had my prostate examination yesterday. The doctor gave me the thumbs up.