Where are all the jokes?

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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

So I took the missus to a really trendy nightclub last night.

The doorman said to her, "Sorry ma’am, I can’t let you in, you've had too many !"

She said, "What, drinks?"

He said, "No, birthdays !"
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

My obese parrot died yesterday...

It is sad...but it is a huge weight off my shoulders !
sniffer66
Posts: 1666
Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

paspuggie48 wrote:
Sun Oct 10, 2021 8:23 am
My obese parrot died yesterday...

It is sad...but it is a huge weight off my shoulders !
I just told that in the car. Got a good laugh 😁
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

sniffer66 wrote:
Sun Oct 10, 2021 11:10 am
paspuggie48 wrote:
Sun Oct 10, 2021 8:23 am
My obese parrot died yesterday...

It is sad...but it is a huge weight off my shoulders !
I just told that in the car. Got a good laugh 😁
:D :) :lol: :P
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

My daughter got tattoos of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond, against my wishes.

...I'll deal with her later !
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

Ironically the guy that stole my Diary & Bible got in a serious car accident today.

…my thoughts & prayers are with him !
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

At first I didn’t like my beard but after a few months

it’s really growing on me.
sniffer66
Posts: 1666
Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

To the bastard that stole my anti-depressants. I hope you're happy now !
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

I was listening to a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I said to the guy next to me: “That lizard’s really funny.”

He replied: “That’s not a lizard, it's a stand up chameleon.”
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

Last night I dreamt I was a vinyl record.

I woke up feeling groovy…!
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says, "Hey, I'm sorry for beating you so badly. Would a blowjob make you feel better?"

Taken aback, the guy says, "Ummm, yes. You don't have to do that, but that would be great!" She took him to his car and gave him a fantastic blowjob. As she's getting out, she says, "Same time tomorrow."

The following day, this repeats. They meet in the clubhouse and hit 18 holes. She whips his ass again. Afterwards, she asks him if he wants another blowjob to make him feel better. He hesitates, and said, "Well, how about we go all the way this time?" She considers for a moment before finally saying, "No...I really want to, but that's not a good idea right now," and he dejectedly accepts another blowjob. After they finished, she once again said, "Same time tomorrow."

The third day rolls around and this repeats again. Afterwards, she asks if he wants a blowjob and he says, "No, let's go all the way! Blowjobs are great, but a man needs *more!*

The woman hesitates and finally says, "Okay, fine. Let's go back to your place."

They get to his house and can hardly keep their hands off each other. They're making out like crazy, she pulls his shirt and pants off, he pulls off her skirt and reaches down, completely tearing her panties away. He looks down and sees that she has a massive penis.

Pushing her away, a look of horror on his face, he screams at her, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

"I'm so sorry," she said, "This is why I didn't want to go all the way. I should have told you I am trans and still have all the male equipment, but..."

The man interrupted, still totally pissed off, "What? I don't care about that!!!"

Looking confused, the woman looks up at him and says through a mess of tears and smeared mascara, "Well what the fuck is your problem then?!"

"What's wrong?" he asks mockingly. "WHAT'S WRONG?!? I'll tell you what's wrong! You've been hitting from the ladies' tees *all week!*"
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
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LeTiss
Posts: 5386
Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 6:04 pm

Excellent work my old mate :lol:
Trader Pat
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 12:50 pm

Realrocknrolla wrote:
Thu Oct 14, 2021 3:32 pm
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over..." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
:lol: :lol:
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wearthefoxhat
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Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:55 am

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