Where are all the jokes?

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Derek27
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Location: UK

A Scotsman, Welshman, Irishman and Boris Johnson are all on a plane when the engines fail. There is only one parachute on board.

Without a moment’s hesitation, the Scotsman sacrifices himself, shouting “For Scotland!” as he jumps out of the plane. The Welshman follows suit, shouting “For Wales!” as he jumps. The Irishman shouts “For Ireland!” and pushes Johnson out of the plane. :D
sniffer66
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Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

I told my Nan I was appearing in a live sex show in Amsterdam. She said " You're having me on!" I said, "Well I'm not sure my boss would approve but I can ask"
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Derek27
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Location: UK

In the time I've spent waiting for matches to start I've read every page of Wikipedia, from the start of the Precambrian supereon right up to the present Holocene epoch. It took 4.6 billion years!
viney
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Joined: Wed May 18, 2022 10:11 am

I took my first skiing lesson yesterday. I was really excited while I went up in the lift but it was all downhill after that.
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wearthefoxhat
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I've just been told that you can buy a clockwork radio that has no batteries. Is it a wind up?
phil
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Joined: Mon Apr 27, 2009 11:52 pm

No Joke Ikea used to sell the wind up torch I dont know if they still see the full history of the radio:
https://radiofidelity.com/history-of-cl ... ic%20field.
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Euler
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Location: Bet Angel HQ

I recently ate a Star Wars action figure. It was a little chewy.
sniffer66
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Euler wrote:
Thu Aug 04, 2022 10:26 am
I recently ate a Star Wars action figure. It was a little chewy.
Ok, that one made me laugh more than it should :D
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jimibt
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Location: Narnia

I was at the doctor and he said I only had 6 months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years!!
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Derek27
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Location: UK

jimibt wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 11:35 am
I was at the doctor and he said I only had 6 months to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years!!
Reminds me of the IRA prisoner who was sentenced to 300 years and said he'd only have to serve half of it. :)
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wearthefoxhat
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My wife just told me her satnav has broken and she wants me to buy her a new one. I told her she can get lost.
viney
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Just been watching a documentary about how ships are held together... Riveting!
sniffer66
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wearthefoxhat wrote:
Sun Aug 07, 2022 5:45 pm
My wife just told me her satnav has broken and she wants me to buy her a new one. I told her she can get lost.
I bought my wife the Bonnie Tyler Garmin Edition satnav.
It's broken as well.

It's keeps telling her to turn around, then every now and then it falls apart.
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firlandsfarm
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Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 8:20 am

These insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

1. "He had delusions of adequacy ” Walter Kerr
2. "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
3. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
4. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
5. "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
6. "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
9. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
10. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
11. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
12. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
13. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
14. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
15. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
16. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
17. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
18. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
19. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
20. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
21. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
22. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.” - Groucho Marx
23. The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
24. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
25. "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard
26. "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed
27. "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) —Robert L Truesdell

Commit a few to memory, you may gain great pleasure using them! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Derek27
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Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

firlandsfarm wrote:
Mon Aug 15, 2022 4:17 pm

Commit a few to memory, you may gain great pleasure using them! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers, I've got one guy in mind that can be the target of several of them. ;)

Good to see you're back.
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