Where are all the jokes?
A man walks into a pub and says 'a pint of lager for me and a bucket of water for my elephant please'. The publican says 'you're kidding you haven't really got an elephant?' The guy says 'yes, I work in a circus, got the elephant outside'. The publican asks 'can it do anything unusual?' The guy says 'yes it fucks cats'. The publican says 'I've gotta see this' so he pours the guy a pint, fills a bucket with water, scoops up the pub cat and follows the guy outside. Sure enough there's an elephant standing outside. The publican places the bucket of water and the cat down. The elephant slurps up the water looks down at the cat and stamps on it. The guy says 'your cat's fucked'.
jimibt wrote: ↑Fri Aug 27, 2021 10:50 amyeah, he quite literally had the world at his feet!!sniffer66 wrote: ↑Fri Aug 27, 2021 9:37 amWhich reminds me of favourite Valentine's Day poemRealrocknrolla wrote: ↑Fri Aug 27, 2021 8:23 amAlmost won an acca on the Paralympics yesterday.
Lost by one leg
Roses are red.
Violets are glorious
Don't try and surprise,
Oscar Pistorius
Interesting fact: the shooting actually took place on Valentine's Day
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Realrocknrolla
- Posts: 1910
- Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm
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Realrocknrolla
- Posts: 1910
- Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm
A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.
One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.
One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.
One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.
The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.
He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....
He picked the one with the biggest tits.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.
One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.
One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.
One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.
The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.
He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....
He picked the one with the biggest tits.
Realrocknrolla wrote: ↑Sat Aug 28, 2021 6:38 pmA self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.
One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.
One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.
One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.
The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.
He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....
He picked the one with the biggest tits.
Bit of an anti-climax. By the time I got to the punchline I forgot it was a joke. -
Realrocknrolla
- Posts: 1910
- Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm
A pirate walks into a bar...
And takes a seat beside three medical students.
The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.
Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions....
"Sir, how come you ended up with that wooden peg for your leg ?" asks one student.
"Arrgh..this..? I fell aboard a terrible gale and had me leg chomped off by a bloody shark...that's how I ended up with this peg", the pirate answered.
"And what's the story with the hook ?" asked another student.
"Ah this...yeah. I took part in a big battle against some lobster backs and one of them cut me hand off with his sword. From then I got this hook", the pirate answered.
"Wow...and whats the story with the eye ?"
"Oh, the eye...", the pirate blushed a bit and continued, "A bloody seagull dropping fell in it."
"What ? You lost it to some seagull poop ?" The students asked surprised.
Now turning red the pirate answered, "well it was my first day with the hook."
And takes a seat beside three medical students.
The students notice that the pirate has a hook in place of right hand, a wooden peg in place of his left leg and an eye patch over his right eye.
Curious they edge closer to the pirate, order some rum for him and ask him a few questions....
"Sir, how come you ended up with that wooden peg for your leg ?" asks one student.
"Arrgh..this..? I fell aboard a terrible gale and had me leg chomped off by a bloody shark...that's how I ended up with this peg", the pirate answered.
"And what's the story with the hook ?" asked another student.
"Ah this...yeah. I took part in a big battle against some lobster backs and one of them cut me hand off with his sword. From then I got this hook", the pirate answered.
"Wow...and whats the story with the eye ?"
"Oh, the eye...", the pirate blushed a bit and continued, "A bloody seagull dropping fell in it."
"What ? You lost it to some seagull poop ?" The students asked surprised.
Now turning red the pirate answered, "well it was my first day with the hook."
Realrocknrolla wrote: ↑Sun Aug 29, 2021 1:19 pmNow turning red the pirate answered, "well it was my first day with the hook."
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wearthefoxhat
- Posts: 3552
- Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:55 am
A load of eggs were stolen from Sainsbury’s yesterday. Police think it's the work of poachers.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, " I'd like a pint of........................................lager please"
Barman says, "No problem mate, but why the big pause?"
Bear replies, "They come in useful for catching fish and scooping honey !"
Barman says, "No problem mate, but why the big pause?"
Bear replies, "They come in useful for catching fish and scooping honey !"
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Realrocknrolla
- Posts: 1910
- Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm
I asked the guy fixing the elevator if he liked his job.
He said, it has it's ups and downs.
He said, it has it's ups and downs.
