Where are all the jokes?

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ANGELS15
Posts: 844
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:57 am

Before viagra a man was having erectile problems. He tried all treatments without success. A friend reccomended a hypnotist. The guy saw the hypnotist who explained he would hypnotise him so that if he said or hear a beep noise he'd get an erection, to lose it he'd need to say or hear two beeps. The catch was that it would only work 3 times.

As the man left he thought 'this is bollocks', walking downstairs he shouted 'beep'. Immediately his dick was hard. The guy shouted 'beep beep', the erection went. As he went out in the street a little volkswagen cut in front of another car whose driver beeped once. The guy became hard again. The volkswagen driver beeped back twice in defiance.

The guy stuffed cotton wool in his ears and hurried home. As he entered the house he shouted to his wife 'quick get your clothes off!'. As she undresed the guy took out the cotton wool and shouted 'beep!', immediately his wife said 'whats this beep beep nonsense?'
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Kai
Posts: 6092
Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:21 pm

Derek27 wrote:
Fri Sep 17, 2021 5:21 pm
sniffer66 wrote:
Fri Sep 17, 2021 3:46 pm
I was struggling for a fancy dress costume for last nights party so I went just in my Y Fronts

The host asked me what I'd come as. I replied, "premature ejaculation"

"Premature ejaculation ??"

"Yeah, I just came in my pants"
:lol:
Saw this on Twitter just now, took me a moment :)

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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

I’m thinking of starting a group for insomniacs, if anybody’s up for it?
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

My dentist said my teeth were stained.

He asked, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?".

I said, "I drink it".
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation, eh?
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Derek27
Posts: 23472
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

paspuggie48 wrote:
Sun Sep 19, 2021 12:21 pm
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation, eh?
:lol:
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wearthefoxhat
Posts: 3205
Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:55 am

I’ve been working at a trouser factory for a few months now. It’s going well - I’m making great strides.
sniffer66
Posts: 1666
Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

I entered a bukkake competition for the blind and partially sighted last week.

I have no idea where I came.
sniffer66
Posts: 1666
Joined: Thu May 02, 2019 8:37 am

I was persuaded to make a donation to our local sperm bank last week.

The nurse said to me, "Please would you masturbate in the cup"

I said, " I'm pretty good, but I'm not sure I'm ready to enter a competition quite yet !"
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

I went to court today to sue a local coach firm as they lost my luggage.

...I lost though.

...The Judge said I had NO CASE !!
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paspuggie48
Posts: 611
Joined: Thu Jun 20, 2013 9:22 am
Location: South-West

I've just had a row with my neighbour.

I said if he continues to play his drums late at night there will be re-percussions !!
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have sex with the ugliest woman there, and if I'm able to finish, I'll be free to go.

I think this over, and figure how ugly could she be? And I agree to give it a try.

So Satan leads me to this little bedroom, and tells me to make myself comfortable. So I strip down to my socks and sit on the bed to wait for my partner to arrive.

Soon, I hear on a booming knock on the door, and in comes the ugliest woman in Hell. Trust me when I tell you: whatever you're picturing, this woman is infinitely worse.

Her face (if you can call it a face) was covered in oozing sores, eyes so sunken back in her head I wondered if they had fallen out, her mouth half filled with the jagged remains of teeth, and a mess of thick wiry hairs poked out from her chin. Even from across the room her breath hit me harder than the truck that sent me there in the first place.

Her body was hunched and lumpy - I honestly couldn't tell which lumps were which parts of her anatomy, even after she had removed her clothes. It was just a heap of flesh and lard that looked like it had never been washed in the hundred and fifty or so years that it looked like she'd been alive.

She walked to the bed, grunting something that I took to mean that it was time to get started.

My penis had shot back into my body like a turtle head, but I knew that my only chance of escaping an eternity of torment was to finish this deed.

So, I closed my eyes, held my breath, and with intense concentration, I was able to get half an erection, and the she-beast climbed on top.

Let me tell you, even with my eyes closed and breath held, there was no escaping the texture. The thick, pungent, sticky... stuff down there made it difficult to keep from vomiting. But I just went into a zen state, imagined it was just a congealed and rotting cheese sandwich, and after a while, I had the most unwilling orgasm of my life (or afterlife).

The thing left the room, and the devil walked in, amazed that I was able to complete the task, as many had tried, but none had yet succeeded. But he agreed to keep his end of the bargain, and led me out the door.

As we were walking toward the exit, we passed another bedroom door, and through it I saw Bubba, having sex with Jennifer Lawrence.

"Whoa, Satan," I said, "What the heck? I had to have sex with that creature, but Bubba gets to have sex with Jennifer Lawrence?"

"Well, sure," said Satan, "Jennifer Lawrence wants to get out of here, too."
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wearthefoxhat
Posts: 3205
Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 9:55 am

Something I found out last night:- mixing Night Nurse and Viagra makes it harder to sleep.
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Realrocknrolla
Posts: 1903
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:15 pm

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Derek27
Posts: 23472
Joined: Wed Aug 30, 2017 11:44 am
Location: UK

Boris Johnson's said he's going to tell the UN and the rest of the world to "grow up". :lol: :lol: :lol:
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