Where are all the jokes?
A man staggers into a bar and the bar lady says to him, "You're drunk".
The man replies, "You're fat and ugly".
The bar lady says, "You're drunk, get out".
The man says as he walks out, "At least I'll be sober in the morning".
The man replies, "You're fat and ugly".
The bar lady says, "You're drunk, get out".
The man says as he walks out, "At least I'll be sober in the morning".
Last edited by Derek27 on Fri Oct 27, 2023 8:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Two guys meet at a party. One asks the other what his hobbies are, and he replies, "I'm a sadist, I get pleasure out of tormenting other people".
"That's interesting", said the other guy, "I'm a masochist, I get my pleasure out of inflicting pain upon myself".
So the sadist says to the masochist, "Do you fancy coming over to my place, I've got a powerful bull whip?" So they both wind up at the sadist's place, the sadist gets out his bull whip while the masochist drops his pants and bends over.
After a pause, the masochist asks the sadist, "Are you going to whip me now?". The sadist replies, "No!"
"That's interesting", said the other guy, "I'm a masochist, I get my pleasure out of inflicting pain upon myself".
So the sadist says to the masochist, "Do you fancy coming over to my place, I've got a powerful bull whip?" So they both wind up at the sadist's place, the sadist gets out his bull whip while the masochist drops his pants and bends over.
After a pause, the masochist asks the sadist, "Are you going to whip me now?". The sadist replies, "No!"
A white horse escapes from his field and goes into the village, where he sees a pub with a big sign 'The White Horse', so he walks over and goes into the pub and asks the barman for a pint. The barman pours the pint and keeps looking up at the horse, eventually the barman says do you know you have the same name as this pub, the horse looks back at the barman and says what Derek!
I've started watching Dave Allen at Large, going back to 1971.
A knight had to travel to Europe to fight in one of the Crusades. He fitted a chastity belt to his wife, gave the key to his best mate and said, "If I don't return, give the key to my wife and tell her she's free to marry again".
As the knight was riding away from his town, he stopped to take one last look back and noticed a puff of dust, getting closer and closer. It was his mate galloping to catch up with him.
"What's wrong", said the knight.
His best mate replied, "You've given me the wrong key".
A knight had to travel to Europe to fight in one of the Crusades. He fitted a chastity belt to his wife, gave the key to his best mate and said, "If I don't return, give the key to my wife and tell her she's free to marry again".
As the knight was riding away from his town, he stopped to take one last look back and noticed a puff of dust, getting closer and closer. It was his mate galloping to catch up with him.
"What's wrong", said the knight.
His best mate replied, "You've given me the wrong key".
A new priest takes his first confessions. His first parishioner says, "I've been watching TV instead of doing the housework and cooking for my husband yesterday, I just gave him a microwave meal when he got home from a hard day's work".
The priest said, "Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, I'll just give you one Hail Mary".
The next parishioner says, "I've committed sins of the flesh with my neighbour, and I'm not married".
The priest replies, "That is serious, for your penance, say three Our Fathers and please refrain from such activity again".
The next parishioner said, "I've had oral sex with my boyfriend".
The clueless priest was too embarrassed to ask her what oral sex is, so he asked her to wait while he popped out of the confession box. He found the senior choir boy and asked, "What does Father Peterson give for oral sex?"
The senior choir boy replied, "A bag of crisps and a can of Coke".
The priest said, "Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, I'll just give you one Hail Mary".
The next parishioner says, "I've committed sins of the flesh with my neighbour, and I'm not married".
The priest replies, "That is serious, for your penance, say three Our Fathers and please refrain from such activity again".
The next parishioner said, "I've had oral sex with my boyfriend".
The clueless priest was too embarrassed to ask her what oral sex is, so he asked her to wait while he popped out of the confession box. He found the senior choir boy and asked, "What does Father Peterson give for oral sex?"
The senior choir boy replied, "A bag of crisps and a can of Coke".
There aren't many comedians from that era that translate well to modern times, but Dave Allen was a comedy genius. So much about the delivery. His was perfectDerek27 wrote: ↑Thu Nov 02, 2023 1:29 pmI've started watching Dave Allen at Large, going back to 1971.
A knight had to travel to Europe to fight in one of the Crusades. He fitted a chastity belt to his wife, gave the key to his best mate and said, "If I don't return, give the key to my wife and tell her she's free to marry again".
As the knight was riding away from his town, he stopped to take one last look back and noticed a puff of dust, getting closer and closer. It was his mate galloping to catch up with him.
"What's wrong", said the knight.
His best mate replied, "You've given me the wrong key".
Boris Johnson dies... 
...his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson. “I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there. . Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us".
...his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson. “I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there. . Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us".
Are you sure that's a joke and not an essay, it's got a longer bleeding build-up than Man CityDerek27 wrote: ↑Sun Nov 05, 2023 7:37 pmBoris Johnson dies...
...his soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnson. “I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped him out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there. . Everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Johnson with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Boris!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight," says Johnson, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Boris: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Johnson takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Johnson steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, Johnson is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Johnson, Jesus turns out to be some kind of hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Johnson reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this - I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth called Brexit Britain covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Johnson and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Johnson, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar....drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us".
