The beer garden

[Derek27]

It's quite ironic that people in Liverpool are sitting quietly waiting for a press conference to start when it says in the background, SILENCE IS NOT AN OPTION.

[Derek27]

Cost of living crisis beginning to bite. Full shelf of Heinz ketchup, ASDA ketchup all gone. But don't worry, people earning over £150K will be purchasing extra Heinz ketchup creating well-paid jobs at Heinz.

[Derek27]

In a moment of fury, I was planning to petrol bomb my credit card company offices after being grossly overcharged this month when I realised, I was viewing last month's statement by mistake.

[Derek27]

Quality Streets are switching to biodegradable wrappers for their sweets and it's been splashed all over the news. What a cheeky way to get free national adverts!

[Derek27]

I bought some Dairylea triangles today. I bet half the forum doesn't even know what they are and the other half forgot they ever existed. A plain Dairylea sandwich for lunch tomorrow, without any ham, salad or mayo will certainly bring back some old memories.

[Derek27]

I'm gonna grow my hair for a couple of days and then shave it off in solidarity with Iranian women.

[Derek27]

It's so sad when you look up one of your teenage crush pop idols and see what they look like today, or worse still, that they died. Life and the ageing process are so cruel.

[Derek27]

When you're pissed, it's difficult to distinguish between, leave at room temperature for 15 minutes and then unroll the dough, or, unroll the dough and then leave at room temperature for 15 minutes, until you try to unroll cold dough.

[Derek27]

The nerd emoji is now branded offensive to people wearing glasses.

[Derek27]

I was expecting the clocks to go back an hour at 03:00, only to find, they'd already gone back.

[Derek27]

I'm sure you've all been there. You clean out your under-sink cupboard and organize it neatly, you feel so proud of yourself that you desire to bring a bird around and ask her to get something out of the cupboard under the sink.

Three months later it's a flipping scrapyard again.

[Jukebox]

I'm sure you've all been there. You clean out your under-sink cupboard and organize it neatly, you feel so proud of yourself that you desire to bring a bird around and ask her to get something out of the cupboard under the sink.

Three months later it's a flipping scrapyard again.

I'm trying - but I'm having a little trouble joining some of the dots:

Derek "Honey could you fetch me a Brillo pad, they're in the cupboard under the sink."
Honey "Oh yes I've found them. Wow, this cupboard is so tidy - just you wait until after desert""

[Derek27]

What sort of idiot tries to convince a court that a man with the same fingerprints and identical distinctive tattoos is a different man?

[Derek27]

I'm sure you've all been there. You clean out your under-sink cupboard and organize it neatly, you feel so proud of yourself that you desire to bring a bird around and ask her to get something out of the cupboard under the sink.

Three months later it's a flipping scrapyard again.

I'm trying - but I'm having a little trouble joining some of the dots:

Derek "Honey could you fetch me a Brillo pad, they're in the cupboard under the sink."
Honey "Oh yes I've found them. Wow, this cupboard is so tidy - just you wait until after desert""

It may not be as crude as that but having a clean and tidy place really impresses a bird. It's the last thing anyone expects of a bloke living on his own.

[Jukebox]

......having a clean and tidy place really impresses a bird. It's the last thing anyone expects of a bloke living on his own.

yup, a guy's gotta do whatever it takes